Stop Struggling As A Parent

Ever find yourself struggling as a parent? I do. Thankfully (or rather, unfortunately), I know I’m not alone. There are quite a few others I know personally who are also struggling with parenting their little bundles of joy. 

And of course, the stay-at-home orders have only made the problem worse. While it’s been a blessing to spend more quality time with our kids (not being sarcastic, I actually mean it!), being stuck at home all day with wild children can also seem like a form of torture that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemies.

My question is, why? What’s causing us to feel that way and struggle through these days? 

Well, I think the answer is pretty simple. Our struggle with parenting is really just smoke to a fire. We have a much bigger problem. We’re selfish. Imagine that! 

And according to the Bible, that’s the origin of all the problems of the world. We have a desire to be our own god, rather than subject ourselves to the One True God of the Universe. It’s called sin, or idolatry, in Christian terms. Our hearts are in love with ourselves and our own concept of what’s good for us more than with God and what he says is good for us.

The result is restlessness and frustration and impatience and [fill in the blank]. When our focus is on ourselves, it always leads to struggling as a parent, and struggling in every other area of life.

The Way Forward

So how do we move forward?

I think it’s important to remember that having emotions isn’t bad, in and of itself. But letting those emotions control us is the problem (like I discussed in this previous post). So we need to seek some wisdom, and learn to control our emotions by looking to God for help.

When we’re looking for wisdom, Proverbs is never a bad place to start. Here are four principles from Proverbs 3 that teach us how to stop struggling as a parent. I hope it helps you like it has helped me.

1. Admit Our Need

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

Proverbs 3:5

In this proverb, the Teacher is telling us to trust God completely. 

When we place trust in someone, we’re admitting we have a need that only they can meet. So admit that you are in need of help when you struggle with your kids. Help from others is good, but ultimately your need is for God’s intervention.

Admitting our need takes the pressure off ourselves. We can’t control everything in life. Struggling as a parent is us trying to take control. Not that we don’t have a stake in the game, or that we can just check-out and let God do all the work. But the idea is to remember that He’s God and we’re not, so trust him.

I want to get to a place where humility defines my life. I can’t always control my circumstances; I can’t even control my children; but I can control how I respond to my circumstances… I can trust God. If I don’t do that, I’m always going to struggle with parenting (or anything else!), to no avail.

2. Focus On God

⁶ In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

⁷ Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.

⁸ It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.

Proverbs 3:6-8

We have to learn to focus on God… to acknowledge him in all our ways. His ways become the lens through which we view all of life. When we follow him and “turn away from evil,” it’ll be “healing to our flesh and refreshment to our bones.” He’ll show us the way to true happiness and joy. 

How many of you weary stay-at-home parents need some refreshment in your bones? I know my wife and I do!

But, yelling at our children for inconveniencing us isn’t going to lead to that refreshment. Yanking them up by the arm and spanking them out of anger doesn’t help us (or them), either. No, not even spending time away from them will ultimately help refresh our souls.

For healing and refreshment, we must get our focus off our children and onto God.

3. Let God’s Spirit Change Us

If we look down further at Proverbs 3:11-12, it says:

¹¹ My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline or be weary of his reproof,

¹² for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.

We have to be willing to change. If we’re going through parenting struggles, we should ask: What is God teaching and correcting in us? 

In the same way we’re supposed to discipline our children, God disciplines us to help us be more like Jesus… to get us to ultimate joy and refreshment.

Gary Thomas, in his book, Sacred Parenting, explains that we need children in our pursuit of spiritual maturity just as much as they need us in their growth to physical maturity. God will use our kids to transform our hearts more than we can ever imagine (and probably more than we’ll ever be comfortable with!). 

Are you ready to change? The sooner we can say “yes,” the sooner struggling as a parent won’t cause us so much misery. It’ll lead to correction and transformation and joy, instead.

Thankfully, Paul encourages us in Philippians 1:6 that God not only began our relational journey with him, but he’ll also see our maturity to its completion. We can be confident that his discipline is for our good, and that it will lead to true refreshment.

4. Persevere

It’s not easy going through this kind of discipline from our heavenly Father as we parent our children. But I know I’d rather God change me than leave me alone. I don’t want to grow “weary of his reproof.” (v.11)

I’m going to strive to not grow tired of God’s loving correction in my life. How? I want to recognize that it’s a validation of his love for me. I love that God delights in me like I delight in my children. That encourages me to persevere through his correction to see the fruit that comes from it in my life. That fruit will be things like loving my own children better, growing in patience, gentleness, self-control, and more.

Struggle With, Not Against God

Your struggle isn’t really with your kids, it’s with God. But here’s the key. Don’t struggle against God, struggle with him as he works to make you more like he’s created you to be as a parent. 

We can struggle and keep struggling and it can be miserable. Or… if we admit our need and focus on God, if we let the Holy Spirit transform us, and persevere through the discipline… then we may still struggle, but it’ll be for our good, to make us more like Jesus. It’ll lead to joy.

If that’s how we struggle through parenting, then our children won’t dictate our feelings and emotions. Instead, we’ll have peace that surpasses all understanding (Phil. 4:7) and we’ll enjoy life with our kids more and more, even when it’s hard.

So, let go of struggling as a parent and trust that God is working for your good and the good of your children.