Wow. Kids sure can make you an angry parent! Yeah you love your children, and yeah they’re cute, but that often seems like it’s the only thing that saves their lives, right? If you’re like me, sometimes it’s a struggle to keep calm in the face of a raging temper tantrum or an epic meltdown and not have one of your own.
To be honest, no one else in the world has gotten under my skin like my children. Is it okay to be angry at our kids sometimes, especially when it’s justified? Sure. Anger isn’t always wrong. But when does that anger cross over into ugliness and sin? When do you start to live like an angry parent?
Well, I’d like to share three typical scenarios I’ve pinpointed in my own life that reveal I’m sinning in my anger toward my children. Then, I’d like to offer four things that have personally helped me to fight this sin in my life. If you’re a parent, hopefully these will help you, too.
Sinful Anger
1. When I lose control of my emotions, I’m an angry parent.
I know when I start losing control of my emotions, I’m heading into behavior that God hates. I can always tell (and so can my kids) when that look of rage crosses my face and I see red. If I can’t control myself and my feelings, and immediately go for the wooden spoon of vengeance, I may not be thinking toward my children correctly.
It’s not that spanking is bad. When done appropriately, it can be a good thing for my kids. But when it’s done inappropriately, in out-of-control rage, I’ve just become an angry parent who has revealed my sinful heart.
2. When my personal comfort is threatened, I’m an angry parent.
If I get angry because my kids are infringing on my personal comfort, I’m probably sinning. They’re kids; they’re not supposed to be convenient. So when I get angry at them for not doing what I want them to do, or for compelling me to do something I don’t want to do, then I’m probably being selfish and my anger is unjustified.
I need to recognize that, as a parent, I have to be on my parenting game 24/7. So if I have to wake up at 2am to change a diaper, or calm down a screaming child, then so be it. If it makes me angry to do that because it threatens my personal comfort, I know I’m grieving God’s Spirit.
3. When I talk down to them, I’m an angry parent.
I know I’m angry in a sinful way when I catch myself talking down to my kids like they’re idiots. I hate that! I don’t want anyone else talking to my children that way, so why would I think it’s okay to do it, even if they are acting like idiots?
This kind of angry behavior shows that I’m not willing to love them through their immaturity and practice patience. That doesn’t sound like the gospel to me.
How to Not Be An Angry Parent
How can we overcome sinful anger, then? Well, it’s not easy. Anger is an emotional reaction, oftentimes. But if we’re good students of the Bible, we know that self-control is a fruit of the Spirit working in and through us. With practice and self-discipline, along with the continued work of the Spirit in our hearts, we can start to act like Jesus to our kids.
I’m sure I’ll learn many more, but here are at least four ways I’m learning to fight the anger in my heart toward my children.
1. Praying for them.
When I pray for my children often (like multiple times throughout the day), their well being is always on my mind. I’m asking God to bless them and hoping great things for their future. This keeps me from being so self-centered and gives me empathy with them. I want good things for my kids, and prayer reminds me of that.
2. Talking about parenting with others in our Christian community.
It has been invaluable to me to talk to other Christians about parenting. It can be very helpful to get advice from people I trust who have walked before me as a parent. How did they handle certain situations or certain attitudes from their children? But also, it’s helpful simply to talk about and get accountability for the sinful anger I struggle with. That’s how it is with any sin-struggle, really. When you let trusted people speak into your life, you’re on your way to overcoming sin.
3. Being willing to learn how to parent.
You know, we go to school for careers and other things. Why do we think we shouldn’t have to learn how to be parents? Reading articles and books, watching videos, and going to conferences on parenting can all be helpful tools in learning how to think and act like a loving parent. Learning about what to expect and being prepared with knowledge can, at times, keep you from having an emotional response (like anger) in a given situation. This has helped me tremendously.
4. Growing in personal holiness.
Growing closer to Jesus is, of course, going to be crucial in overcoming anger toward my children. If I remember what God has done for me when I was unlovable, then I can remind myself and apply that same love and grace to my kids when they’re seemingly unlovable. When I’m allowing the Spirit to mature and mold me so that he’s producing that fruit he talks about in Galatians 5:22-33, then I’m going to easily overcome anger.
The question I have to keep asking myself (and you may ask yourself) is, “Am I willing to give up my life?” Because God accepts nothing less. And I don’t mean for parenting. Too many parents make the mistake of giving their life over to their children. That’s a different problem for a different blog post. Our kids are important, but they’re not God. Rather, we have to ask: Am I willing to give up my life to God?
Because if I can recognize that my life isn’t my own anymore, that it’s his, and I sacrifice the idols of my heart to him, then I can recognize that I’m free to sacrifice for others—in this case, my children—as well.
So when I’m tempted to lose control, or when I’m forced to be uncomfortable, or when I’m tempted to make my kids feel stupid, I can remember that God didn’t do any of those things to me, even though I’ve rebelled against him in much worse ways than my children have with me.
I hope this has helped you think through how not to be an angry parent. Check out the previous post, Stop Struggling As a Parent, for more to consider. I’d love to hear your thoughts and feedback. Thanks for reading!
Author: Pastor Carter Mundy
Carter is the Lead Pastor of Redemption Church. Check out more about him and his family by clicking here.
